do you realize?

K so tonight (I am writing this Tuesday night but am posting it later) I had a rather personal ancaro imparo moment, which holds truer to what I feel the spirit of ancaro imparo is more than the random facts I normally post do.

Although my parents have always said I can do or be whatever I want - lawyer, teacher, activist, homemaker, whatever strikes my fancy - I have never realized before that it is a rather female privilege. (Upper middle class educated female privilege, to be sure). I had never thought before about the pressures placed upon males from a relatively early age to be breadwinners. I've never once had the feeling or pressure that I would have to be the sole earner for my family. I've figured I would work and he would work, but never that I would have to go to school to get educated so I could get a good job to provide for a family. I've felt that I can do whatever I want, and I've joked about being poor and never making much money, because I have been raised with the privilege and the belief that I will never be able to make a substantial contribution to raising a family - which is both freeing and limiting. I've focused upon the limitations of being a woman, in terms of the career glass ceiling and wage discrepancies etc, but never upon the limitations of being a man and being expected to have a substantial salary. Male readers of this blog - have you ever felt that what you did wouldn't matter, because you would have a partner in raising a family, or have you always figured you would have to make a decent income? How many men are raised, not in the latter, but in the former environment? How many men go to school with zero career expectations upon them? I've only begun thinking about this tonight, and talking about it with a couple girls, so I don't have a male perspective on it at all. The more that I think about it, the more that I think it's rather odd that my family will invest $100,000+ in my education with zero real requirements upon me other than that I be happy and do something I enjoy. In a small way, that might make me more privileged than a male - although I will qualify that by saying there are a thousand other ways women are less privileged. And with that qualifier, do any of these male problems matter? Like, boohoo, someone actually thinks you're capable of being financially successful and supporting multiple people off of your own work. Because the more that I think about it, the more I feel kind of insulted that no one has ever held me to that standard.

And its just weird, because I typically consider myself a strong woman. But in the subconscious back of my mind, my life plan has always included the support of a male (if I were to raise a family, which I most likely will. Until that happens, I plan on being able to support myself). And any job that would enable me to support a family by myself would probably be outside of my ideals and what I would like to do with my life. So from a strong woman perspective, do I need to abandon the work I would most like to do so I could be the breadwinner? Continue on my merry path of do-whatever-the-fuck-you-wantdom and know that I'll have to have someone else be there to support that?

Heavy thoughts for a slow Tuesday night.

I don't expect any comprehensive answers. These are all double-edged sword type problems/conundrums and I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about this.

[Postscript] It is now Wednesday afternoon and I'm re-reading this before I post it. I'm not sure that what I've written is entirely clear and is probably more repetitive than anything, seeing as how I originally wrote it rather drunk and stoned at 2am. But instead of taking weeks to revise this until it makes sense I'm just going to throw it out there to try and start a dialogue, which could hopefully be more clarifying or illuminating than running in circles in my own head is.